Intestine Goddess

The Life that is Waiting for You...

2011-03-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

~Joseph Campbell

There has been a lot that I've wanted to share here but it wasn't until now that I felt ready to write it all down. The last few months have been difficult and scary and at times I didn't know how or if things were going to turn out for the best. Overall, I believe that I am right were I am supposed to be.

I decided to take time off from my MAT Program. A lot happened that went into my decision but the short version of this story is I was incredibly unhappy and I didn't feel like I was doing what I was meant to do with my life. I felt like I was giving up on my overall dream of being an artist. My health began to deteriorate and I went into flare up and started bleeding again. My professors tried everything they could to change my mind but in my heart I knew that it was time to set it aside and move forward. I'm only a few credits away from earning a Maters of Arts in Education so maybe one day I will revisit the courses and earn the official degree.

I don't think I ever really wanted to get an MAT... what I truly wanted was to get an MFA and teach art at the college level. When I made the decision to go into the MAT program I thought I was doing the right thing by playing it safe because I would have a masters degree in a year and would be marketable at the junior high and high school levels. But life isn't about playing it safe. Life is about doing what you love no matter what. I love being part of a community of artists. I love creating. I love being an artist.

I think I was incredibly scared to take the leap and dedicate my life souly to art. If I failed, then what would I have? My life's work would be for nothing. That is a horrible way to go about living, I know. And now I am trying to work past those feelings and make what I want to happen, happen.

I am now officially waiting to hear if I have been accepted into the MFA program at PNCA. I'm a little worried about the overall expense (I have more school debt than I want already) and wether or not I'll be accepted, but I know it is what I need to do in order to achieve my overall aspirations.

I have been making more art since I left the MAT program than I have in the last 2 years. Maybe seeing what I didn't want for my life is what gave me the push to go after what I want for my life. I am working on two new websites right now, one for my Photography work and one for my Illustration work. They should be up and running sometime next month so I'll be sure to post about it again and share the links when they are ready.

If anyone is interested you can view my artwork at my new blogs:

Jade Illustrates

See What Jade Creates

Monsieur Mustache

Cory was also kind enough to start a Facebook Fan Page for my photography. You can see it here.

I guess the point of today's post is that you can't plan everything out and you can't force yourself to stick to a plan that isn't working. I never planned on getting UC but it happened and my life's plan had to change because of it. I fought it for a long time and thought,"I'm not going to let UC change my life!" But whose to say change is bad? I am definitely not where I thought I would be at the age of 24. Sometimes I think I have failed miserably and I am never going to be healthy... never going to be a world traveler... never going to be a successful illustrator... never going to be rid of my school debt, etc, etc. But then I tell myself to stop planning every aspect of my life and just go ahead and live life and strive everyday for a life I can love. The life you are living can be so much better than the life you planned on...

Preparing for Valentine's Day...

2011-01-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

Sorry that I have been so absent lately. I have been working on preparing my portfolio for submission to the MFA program at PNCA. The application and portfolio is due on February 1st, so it's getting down to the wire!! I hope to be back to posting regularly after the deadline. February 3rd is my birthday so I'm looking forward to celebrating it and the fact that I completed my application!

I was able to take a quick break from drawing and writing to celebrate Tiny Treasures 1 year anniversary. I'm hosting a little giveaway and today is the last day to enter so head on over and enter for your chance to win!

I was also able to take a break last week long enough to be a part of an impromptu Valentine’s Day photoshoot for Colette Patterns! Sarai contacted me and asked if I would be willing to model their nutmeg pattern. Of course I was a tad nervous but I also knew that there was no way I was turning down the opportunity to model her lovely patterns again.

All of us met in Sarai's studio which Sarai and Caitlin transformed into an enchanting flower filled boudoir. There was even sunshine coming through the windows which, if you are an Oregonian, you know it's rare. The very talented Anja of Clever Nettle was the photographer and videographer. the whole thing was styled by Sarai and Caitlin. I also got to meet Rachel. We modeled in underwear together so I think you can safely say that we became fast friends.

I feel so lucky that I am able to work with such amazing and talented artists.

Here are a few of my favorites from the shoot!

The talented Anja also shot some lovely video footage and turned it into this:

I Heart Faces {Self Portrait}

2010-12-06T20:15:00.000-08:00

Flowers... are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty out values all the utilities of the world.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1844

This week at "I Heart Faces" the theme just so happens to be self-portraits. Now, if you are familiar with my photography, you know I've taken a self portrait or two. This image was taken this past spring at the Woodburn Tulip Festival. I had just gotten a remote for my camera and couldn't resist taking a few photos in the gorgeous fields...

**Update: I was fortunate enough to come in first place! Thank you everyone for your lovely compliments and for your support. It means the world to me... truly. Thank you so much to "I Heart Faces," and the unbelievably talented and kind judge, Jessica Page for selecting my photograph. She had this to say about it:

"I was instantly drawn to this image because of the brilliant colors, the creative composition and the beautiful styling. I love her choice of processing and think it suites the image perfectly. Overall, I thought the image was classy and completely lovely. Well done."

Beautiful... Gentle... Softened...

2010-12-03T14:38:00.000-08:00

"Let there be nothing within thee that is not very beautiful and very gentle, and there will be nothing without thee that is not beautiful and softened by the spell of thy presence."

~James Allen

These images were taken a few weeks ago when the weather was just beginning to turn chilly. The sun was hot but the air was cool and crisp. I adore the fall. Something about it really makes me feel connected and alive.

I hope everyone had a lovely Halloween and Thanksgiving. My aunt made a special vegan thanksgiving feast just for Cory and I. It was our first Thanksgiving as vegans so it was extremely heartwarming that my aunt went to so much trouble to allow us to feel included in the celebration.

School and work has been keeping me EXTREMELY busy... but I guess that's what a masters program is all about. For those of you who don't know, I'm in the MAT program at Pacific University. I spend Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays attending classes and I spend Tuesdays at Brown Middle School and Thursdays at Century High School racking up observation hours before I begin officially student teaching come February. I have also taken on the task of teaching an after school drawing class (which started 2 weeks ago) at Brown that I have had to personally develop the curriculum for. I've had my days where I've come home crying feeling like I don't have it in me to be a meaningful teacher: the students will never listen to me, I'm uninspiring, I don't know what I'm teaching, the politics of education will eat away at me...

There is all this doubt, worry and fear inside of me. I see so many great teachers who are able to connect to students with such grace. Becoming a teacher has been one of the toughest (if not THE toughest) things I have ever done. I hope I can do it... and I hope I can feel happy doing it. I'm working really hard at believing in myself and allowing myself to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes instead of berating myself for not being perfect. If I am not meant to be a teacher at least I have taken the time to figure it out. I would always regret not trying.

Even with all the stress I have been experiencing, my UC has not been flaring up too badly. I think I have finally found a good balance when it comes to my medications and diet. I did find out however that being on prednisone for as long as I had, did some damage on my bones. A nutritionist I went to see recommended that I go get a bone density scan not only because of my diet choice (Vegan) but also because of having to be on prednisone for over a year. My bone density scan reveled that I had trace signs of osteoporosis. I have been taking supplements and my joints have been feeling much better. I've also been able to stand for longer periods of time without feeling like death, so that is a definite plus!

I am looking forward to the holidays because it means hunting for the perfect gifts for the ones I love and friends who I rarely see will be back in town visiting. It also means some time off from school so I can figure some things out. I absolutely can't wait!!

I Heart Faces {Silhouette}

2010-11-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

This week at I Heart Faces, the focus is on creating beautiful silhouettes. I immediately knew the image I wanted to share with everyone. Cory and I went to the Portland Zoo over the summer and we both were hypnotized by the tranquility of the underwater exhibits...

In the Orchard

2010-10-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

This week at I Heart Faces, it's about the beauty of orchards and the people who roam them.

Dreamy and Magical Season

2010-08-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

"Then followed that beautiful season... summer.... filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood."

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Today, August 10th, marks Cory and I's 3rd anniversary. It means three years ago, he texted me during my break at work (I was working at Border's at the time) and asked if I would be his girlfriend. What a scaredy cat, huh!? Hahahahaha! But, I was smitten and I replied back,"Lets give it a shot." Okay... that story may not go down in history as the most romantic moment, but we must have done something right. Having a relationship isn't an easy thing and it takes constant work and constant adjusting... but all of it is worth it. He has loved me when I have felt like I wasn't worth loving. He has made me laugh when I didn't think I would ever be able to laugh again. He has given me the courage and support to go after my dreams.

I can't wait to see where life takes us.

We won't be able to celebrate today (I have school all day and he has work all day) so we celebrated Sunday by going to Voodoo Doughnuts (who have the best and most diverse selection in the area as far as Vegan doughnuts go AND they just got an awesome photo booth), Sweetpea Bakery (for their addicting bagels), and spent the remainder of the day at the zoo hiding from dinosaurs and chillin' with the giraffes.

I do have a gift for him that I have been secretly working to develop with our dear friend, Terry. He is an incredible artist and Cory is absolutely in love with his work so I contacted Terry a few months ago with the idea of creating some kind of scene or collage that included Cory and I with our cat Claude and images of the things that make up our relationship: We love seeing musicals together and Avenue Q is the first one we went to see as a couple. A poster of Elliott Smith because many Elliott Smith songs make Cory think of me. The wine glass represents our first anniversary when we went to The Bite of Oregon. Seattle is where we spent our first vacation together and he gave me a ring at the top of the Space Needle. The camera represents the fact that we are constantly taking photos. We love cooking and baking together and the cupcake has three candles in it which represents our three years together. The Beatles' music was some of the first music we listened to together. The prince and princess represent the movie "Enchanted" which I took Cory to go see on his 21st birthday and we danced together in the aisle to the songs in the movie credits. And last but not least, a guitar because music is what first brought us together.

I decided to give it to him late last night because I didn't want to have to wait all day till tomorrow night. Well, Terry, we did it!! We brought tears to Cory's eyes, haha! We are so thrilled and we will strive everyday to make sure you feel as loved as you have made us feel, dear friend. Thank you.

In other news, I hope all of you are enjoying your summer and haven't forgotten about me. I can't believe how quickly it is going by. Seriously, it can't be August already! I remember growing up and thinking that summer was way too long (I was one of those weird kids who loved school). I also have never cared much for sweating and bugs which are staples of the summer season. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of great things about summer: sipping lemonade, traveling, time for reading, etc. But, I really am more of a Fall type of gal. I much rather be sporting a pair of knee high boots and a scarf around my neck than sandals and spaghetti straps.

There have been lots of change happening over the last few months, which is part of the reason that things have been so quite around the blog lately. One of the biggest changes being back in school again. I graduated last year from Pacific Northwest College of Art and now I am in the Masters of Art in Teaching (MAT) Program at Pacific University where I will be earning my teaching certificate and masters in education. So my summer has consisted of classes, classes, and more classes. It's overwhelming and at times I feel as though I don't have what it takes to be in charge of teaching and inspiring young artists. I get scared that I will graduate and no one will give me the opportunity to show my worth. I worry that I will never be able to pay back my massive amounts of college debt. My stomach gets queasy every time I think about having to continuously prove myself and reach the unreachable student. But I also know, that if I don't try to become an art teacher, I will always regret it. I just want to know that this choice is going to work out... that I am going to be successful at it... that it is going to make me happy... that it is what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be.

I get two weeks off of school starting this Saturday and my family and I are going to Sunriver. We have been going there every year since I was born. I've missed the last few years because I was either working or in school but this year's dates happened to work out. This is the first time Cory has been invited to come along so I am extra excited. He has never been to Sunriver so I am looking forward to showing him around. It will be 9 days of swimming, reading, painting, movie watching, photo taking, white water rafting, biking, hiking, and relaxation. I NEED a vacation. It can't come soon enough.

Another change in my life that started a few months is that I am now eating a Vegan diet. That means not eating animal products (meat, dairy, eggs, etc). My doctors agreed that it would be a great thing for me (I've also been told to try and avoid whole nuts, high fructose corn syrup, white sugar, sulfur, and as many preservatives as possible). Many people with Ulcerative Colitis, Chron's Disease, and IBD start eating Vegan. Overall, it wasn't a difficult transition: I've been vegetarian before and I had great support from Cory who decided to become Vegan right along with me. Some days all I want to do is eat a cheesy slice of pizza and lick a dripping ice cream cone but since going on a Vegan diet I have felt better. I haven't bled at all and I although I am tired from school, I know I have a lot more energy than I would on a non-vegan diet. If you are interested in becoming Vegan but have no idea where to start, here are some books and websites that I found extremely helpful and encouraging: Vegan Yum Yum, Have Cake Will Travel, The Kind Life (and it's companion book "The Kind Diet"), and "The 100 Best Vegan Baking Recipes."

On Saturday morning, I have an appointment with a nutritionist who specializes in Chron's, UC, and other Gastrointestinal Disorders. I'm still feeling a bit lost when it comes to knowing whether or not I'm getting all the vitamins and nutrients I need to keep my UC out of flare-up and to keep up with my busy schedule, so I am really excited to meet this nutritionist and see what she has to say.

I have also started a photography blog! It all began when my cousin's wife called me up and asked if she could hire me to take some photos of their new baby girl (lovely, little Lauren) and possibly some family photos. It has always been a secret dream of mine to be a professional photographer and now maybe this is the beginning of this dream coming true.

I was asked to be an honorary sister over at Shutter Sisters last month. Tracey (founder of Shutter Sisters) contacted me and asked if I would be a guest blogger. She thought I would be a perfect person to write about their word of the month for their One Word Project. The word was treasure (For those of you who don't know, I write yet another blog about Tiny Treasures). It was such an honor and I hope that I am invited back someday.

I was also involved in two photo shoots as a model. One for Twigs and Honey (sneak peek here) and one for Colette Patterns. I feel so blessed to be able to work with such kind, talented, and humble individuals. They inspire me ever day to be not only a better artist, but a better person. I am DYING to see how the images turn out!!

So, that wraps up my summer so far. Until next time, I hope everyone continues to have a lovely summer! I can't wait to get back from vacation and share all of my photographs with you!

"Ornament"

2010-06-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

Today is day eight of Creativity Boot Camp.

Sadly, I have missed a few days. But something that Maegan wrote the other day made me feel better:

"I kind of went off the radar yesterday. My real life needed me in so many ways and my soul desperately needed some time away from the computer. I truly encourage you all to take a break from all of the online correspondence if you're feeling overwhelmed. The last thing you need is to get burned out. So, perhaps this weekend will be an opportunity to quietly reflect if that's what you feel you need."

I decided to take Maegan's words to heart and take a step back from the online world and focus on my real life and on healing.

I had my wisdom teeth removed on Wednesday and the last two days have been especially awful. I have been so nauseous and dizzy and my face has been so swollen that I haven't been able to do anything. I've always been a slow healer, so I guess I am not really all that surprised... but I definitely am disappointed. I start my masters program tomorrow. I haven't been to a ground campus for a little over a year now. I took time off from school after I got my BFA so I could get my Ulcerative Colitis under control. I was so sick and so burnt out that I needed a break and I needed to focus on my health. Getting accepted into this masters program happened so quickly (I only found out about three weeks ago that I was accepted) and I had to have these wisdom teeth pulled (I had one pulled two years ago and it was long overdue for the other ones). I really wanted to start this program feeling great but instead I feel horrible. I still can barely open my mouth and I can't stay on my feet longer than five minutes without feeling like I'm going to pass out. So, cross your fingers, stand on your head, pray, do a dance, send me well wishes, please, do whatever you can to help me feel better tomorrow and have a great first day!! I'll be eternally grateful... :)

Today's random word prompt is “Ornament” {which by definition is something that lends grace or beauty}. So me, this image definitely show beauty and grace.

Oh, and do you know Christina? If not, you should. Seriously, go find her here... or here. She is so lovely, sweet, talented and inspiring. Her love of fashion and travel make me love her that much more! She posted a lovely tribute to my photography on her blog. Seeing it made me so happy: it was the first time I smiled in days. Thank you Christina: I am truly humbled and honored.

"Grow"

2010-06-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

"Trees are the earth's endless effort to speak to the listening heaven."

~ Rabindranath Tagore

It's already day five of Creativity Boot Camp, can you believe it!?

I like to think that Heaven exists. I have always believed that there is something greater out there; something that is bigger than us. I believe in not being closed minded. I believe in the power of love, hope, faith, and prayer. I believe that you don't only grow physically, you grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well.

Which brings my to today's random word prompt for Creativity Boot Camp: "Grow." I have grown a lot these past few years. So much so that when I think back I don't even recognize that shy little girl who masquerades as me. I have grown to be comfortable with who I am (well, for the most part). I have grown to believe in my skills as an artist. I have grown to believe that I can make my dreams come true.

Here's hoping you grow to believe in yourself and make your dreams come true.

"Heavy Metal"

2010-06-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it's day four of Creativity Boot Camp! I'm going to have to post and run this morning: I'm getting my wisdom teeth extracted in about an hour... fun, right!!? :D

Please, wish me luck and a quick recovery.

Today's random word prompt is "Heavy Metal." I thought I would take a break from the self portraits today and post something else instead. This is an antique silver three pronged fork. It's beautiful and strangely heavy.

Hoping you don't have to have oral surgery anytime soon, love,

Jade

"Multilayered"

2010-06-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

Today is day three of Creativity Boot Camp!

Today's random word prompt is "Multilayered."

When thinking about creating an image that encompassed "Multilayered," I knew exactly what I wanted to post: an image of myself. I am a multilayered individual: woman, artist, illustrator, believer, model, photographer, Ulcerative Colitis Battler, Vegan, future educator, worrier, perfectionist, stressor, pessimist, planner, dreamer... The list goes on and on.There isn't just one thing that defines me: it is a combination of many things that makes me who I am.

Today's Journal Prompt is to name some of your biggest creative buzz kills, including a person or two, and disarm them!

Self doubt is one of my personal creative buzz kills. Often times I second guess what it is I am creating and whether or not it is "good enough." Art is such a personal thing so it's hard to put it out into the world for all to see. If your art isn't accepted it feels as if YOU aren't accepted. I've grown to learn though that my opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to my art: If I like it and I believe in it's message, that is enough for it to be a success. When it comes to a person who is a creative buzz kill for me, my father comes to mind. For a long time he worried that being an artist wouldn't get me to where I needed to go in life. He wanted me to be a doctor. He wanted me to have more than he did. He has grown to love and accept my choice to be an artist and has realized that, that is who I truly am. He still doesn't necessarily understand the value and artistic voice of my work, but he tries. All I can do is keep doing what I do and stand up for my art.

In other news, today at shutter sister's I was so excited to read that my photo had been chosen in their "Hello Gorgeous" contest! What a lovely thing to wake up to! The prize is a 24" x 36" canvas at Hello Canvas! Now all I have to do is make the tough decision concerning what photo to choose... :)

Here's hoping some lovely news comes your way too.

"Picnic"

2010-06-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

Today is day two of Creativity Boot Camp!

The daily journal prompt asks,"Do you shy away from calling yourself an artist? If so, what do you think makes someone else an artist and not you? What are some ways that you can start today to outwardly reflect your inner artist? Name three people who you would be comfortable sharing your creative work and projects with."

I was the toddler who colored inside the lines of the pictures in their coloring books. I was the little girl who always had a pad of paper and a pencil in hand. I was the shy girl who found a voice in creating art.

I think anyone who knows me now could never image me not being an artist. But as much as everyone believed in me and in my skills and talents, I didn't consider myself a true artist for a long time. I was afraid to. I thought that if I defined myself as an artist, I would be seen as being egocentric. But now I know that being an artist isn't something I can deny and hide from the world: it is who I am, through and through. I bring my artistic eye to everything I do. Even though everyone around me knows that I am an artist, it is something that I rarely talk about in detail (unless it's with other artists). I guess I have always felt like a bother if I try to talk about it; like the people around me would be bored to tears if I talked about it. But maybe I just feel this way because of bad past experiences: times when my art was made fun of (in turn, I was made fun of), times where I felt like the odd one out, times when I thought that others believed that being an artist was a ridiculous, dreamy idea.

As the years go by, I believe in my artistic capabilities more and more. I am an artist and I always will be. I still have trouble considering myself a photographer. I know I am a drawer, a painter, an illustrator, and a print maker, but I have trouble saying that I am a photographer. Maybe I will have an easier time defining myself as a photographer by the end of this experience.

The daily random word prompt is "Picnic." When creating my photograph, I wanted to avoid using things like a quilt or a picnic basket. I wanted to represent picnic in a more abstract way. To me, picnic means sunshine, fresh air and bare-feet. I've been bugging Cory to get me a picnic basket for probably a year now, haha! Maybe this summer we will finally pick one out... I can just imagine the lovely photo shoot that would come of it... :)

Here's to hoping we all get to go out and enjoy a picnic this summer...

"Ivory"

2010-06-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have been working on a new post for a while... well, at least pondering a new post for a while. I have had so much to say but I haven't been able to put it into words. My life has completely changed in a matter of weeks (details to be revealed in my soon to be posted post!!). With as busy I have been I didn't know if I would be able to participate in Madeline Bea's Creativity Boot Camp. But today, when I started seeing what others were creating, I knew I wanted to commit to creating a piece of art everyday and participating in this wonderful project was just the thing to get me to do just that.

Today is the first day of Boot Camp! Our First Assignment is to write a letter to our future self (the person we will be at the end of this experience). Madeline wants everyone to focus on what we hope to accomplish by the end of the course.

The second assignment is to creatively interpret the word "Ivory." As soon as I hear the word Ivory, I thought of my pale skin, haha. Yes, it may be a strange association, but my complexion has always been talked about and pointed out to me (even by strangers!). From the complementary (You look like a porcelian doll!) to the insulting (Are you ill?), I have been told everything in the book! I've always been pasty and I have grown to love that about myself. In a world where having a tan is glorified, I enjoy being unique.

Here's hoping you stay true to yourself too.

I Heart Faces {Yellow}

2010-05-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

I Heart Faces has a mission to capture faces and their various emotions. Each week, people from across the world have the opportunity to enter their favorite face photos into a themed photo challenge. This week's theme is all about the bright and cheerful color yellow! Your photo entry should have a human face in it and the color yellow.

Talented photographer Brianna Graham is this week's guest photographer judge! I don't think they could have gotten a more perfect judge for this week's challenge. Her images are a stunning tribute to bold color.

This image was taken at the incredibly beautiful Woodburn Tulip Festival. You can view more images and read more about it in my previous post.

Yellow is such a stunning and powerful color. I leave you today with a few yellow items that are on my wish list:

Fabulous lovebirds laptop sleeve.

Rosina's amazing coat.

Completely darling soda fountain dress.

Yummy lemon tarts.

Groovy chair... I'll take the cat too.

Dazzling heels... throw in a pair of these wedges too.

Stunningly adorable cardigan.

Over the top necklace.

Delightful bag.

Chic shades.

*Sigh,* I bet they're now on your wish list too :)

I Heart Faces {Faces and Flowers}

2010-05-17T00:48:00.000-07:00

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."

~ Carl Jung

This week, at I Heart Faces, it's all about faces and flowers. Your photo must have a flower (or flowers) in it somewhere (fake, real or painted on... anything goes!) and a human face. The special guest judge is the bold and brilliant photographer Peta Mazey.

When I read this week's theme, I knew exactly what image I wanted to share! Cory and I stopped by the Woodburn Tulip Festival at the Wooden Shoe Tulip Farm a few weeks ago. One word: BREATHTAKING. My grandparents live in Woodburn and I have been seeing an Acupuncturist/Chiropractor in the area and saw all these signs that the festival was taking place. I told Cory that we might as well go after one of my appointments and take some pictures (we had just gotten a new remote and I was eager to test it out) before it came to a close for the year. I also was sure to wear one of my floral dresses so I could blend in with my surroundings (you know me, any excuse to play dress up). We were blown away at the remarkable beauty before us. I couldn't believe I had lived so close to such a gorgeous place my entire life and had never seen it before. I never knew that so many beautiful types of tulips existed. I can't wait for next year!

I also got my first sunburn of the year... darn this pale, sensitive skin of mine!! Oh well, it was totally worth it...

I Heart Desserts

2010-04-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

This week at "I Heart Faces" it's all about the love of desserts and capturing these scrumptious treats on camera! While brainstorming themes for this year they thought "Why not have a few themes sprinkled in there where the focus is on something completely different than faces?" Food blogging is HUGE right now. In fact, I'm going to see Ree Drummond (aka the Pioneer Woman) at her book signing here in Portland at Powell's (book HEAVEN) on the 19th, Eeeeep!! One of my best friends (who is living in L.A. right now) is in town right now for a little vacation and, like me, she is a total food fanatic so she is going to accompany me! You can actually see her photos and recipes here and here.

So, in honor of spicing things up and bit, this week's challenge is a celebration of those delectable goodies we call desserts (definitely my favorite part of the meal). And guess who the guest judge is this week!!? The amazingly creative Bakerella!!! If you don't know her yet, you should... she is a sugar goddess!! Here are some links to some of my personal favorite posts:

Street Party

Lemon Bars

Comic Cupcakes

Chocolate Cupcake Pops

PS: NEED this shirt.

Now, here are a few tidbits to help you in choosing/creating your submission:

Your photo entry should be of the best dessert photo you have ever taken. Be creative and unique and showcase that dessert to it's best potential. Not only are your photography skills going to be valuable this week, but your creativity in setting up the shot and presenting the dessert will be tremendously important as well.Only one photo can be in your entry post.For this week only, you do not have to have a face or even a person in your photo entry at all!

Now if you know me, you know that I have a minor obsession with baking, especially when it comes to creating cupcakes. I always say that if I hadn't decided to work as an illustrator, I would have gone to culinary school and become a cake decorator (seriously, how fun would that be!?).

The above photo isn't just one of my favorite food photos that I have ever taken, it also represents a sweet memory: my 23 birthday.

Happiness...

2010-04-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."

~ Dennis Waitley

On Thursday I went to the hospital to have a Flexible Sigmoidoscopy. This procedure allows my gastroenterologist to look at my colon (the large bowel) using a flexible, lighted tube to see the inside of the bowel for any abnormal growths or inflammation of the colon wall. The anal canal also is examined with a short tube as part of this exam. To prepare for it I had to avoid eating nuts, celery, and tomato seeds for four days prier to the exam. To ensure the most accurate result possible, I couldn't eat or drink anything after midnight on the day before the procedure. Two hours before my procedure, I had to take two Fleet Enemas... Have you ever had to use Fleet Enemas? I won't go into details here, but lets just say they are not fun... NOT FUN AT ALL (especially when you are already in pain and distress).

Preparing for it was definitely not as bad as when I had to prepare for my Colonoscopy however. For that I had to drink Golytely (also called Colyte, or Nulytely): It's prescribed by your doctor. It consists of a gallon jug with a powder mix inside. You fill the jug with water to make a drink out of the powder. The instructions are usually to drink one 8 oz glass of the mixture every 10 minutes until the entire gallon is finished or "eliminations" are clear. At first I thought that it would be easy, cleansing and relieving... I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It was difficult, painful and exhausting. I hope it will be a looooong time before it will be necessary for me to do one of those again.

But enough about that horrible memory, lets get back to what took place Thursday!

Cory and I came into the office armed with magazines (and him with a few snacks), prepared for the inevitable waiting game that takes place in all doctor visits. My appointment was for 2:00 pm. We arrived at 1:50 ( a whole ten minutes early!) and checked in and proceeded to our seats. Well, at about 2:45 we started to get a little restless. I was STARVING (by this time it had been about 19 hrs since I had last eaten) and having to wait made me start over-thinking and unnecessarily worrying about the procedure. I already knew what to expect (I've had this done before) but I thought I was just going to be in and out (the procedure literally takes only about 5 minutes to perform) but this what turning into an all day event.

Finally, I was called back at 3:00. A nurse took my vitals, had me sign a few papers (you know, the ones that state if you die during the procedure they are not at fault), answer a few questions (do you suffer from glaucoma?), undress myself completely and change into a hospital gown, and lay down in a gurney. I waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. A few times I almost stared crying because I was alone, hungry, frustrated and the sounds of heart monitors and the smell of disinfectant was finally starting to get to me. But I remembered to breath and tried to focus on other things, like the all the surgeons and nurses' foot apparel.

Of course nurses were coming up to me and apologizing and making sure I was comfortable. Apparently there had been complications in the procedures prior to my own so everything was taking longer than expected. There were also sure to go out and tell Cory so he didn't start panicking (apparently a lot of older spouses were becoming angry and frustrated at the nurses for not keeping them up to date on all the delays (can't say I blame them for having a few ruffled feathers)). At 4:00 I was finally wheeled into the room with all the equipment and the TV Screen that I would be able to watch my colon on as they inserted the camera through it. Now THAT is live action television at its finest!

Dr. David Grunkenmeir's (my gastroenterologist) assistant for the procedure was also male and he was chatty and nice. We talked about Impressionism, Abstract Art, his daughter, his daughter's schooling, Guitar Hero, dragons, bad movies (good movies), Halloween costumes, losing weight (gaining weight), Britney Spears shaving her head... so pretty much anything and everything. Other nurses came in and out, one even gave me a magazine and asked if I was a model... of course she was my favorite :)

Then at 4:50 Grunkenmeir finally entered the roomed and apologized for the delay. Of course we joked and bantered for a few minutes like we always do, and then we got to what we were all there for. Seeing the inside of your colon can be a bit nauseating and feeling the camera moving inside of you can be a tad overwhelming and slightly painful (especially when you are in flare up). But it was quick and we were able to find out that my disease actually looks much much much better than when we viewed it almost a year ago. The bleeding and pain that I have been experiencing is most likely due to going off prednisone and increasing my levels of mercaptopurine. It takes about a month to level out so we are happy and hopeful about where I am in my battle with UC. He gave me images that were taken of my colon during the procedure and we joked about putting them in my dad's birthday card. You see, my dad is squeamish and refuses to look at these kind of pictures. In fact, it's his birthday today (Happy Birthday Dad!!) and I was a kind daughter and made him lovely cupcakes and left out the flex sig pictures.

At 5:30 I finally was able to leave and see Cory. I felt happy and calm (a combination of relief and not having anything in my stomach). We even stopped and took a few pictures by this beautiful willow tree that is on the hospital property. It strange to see something so lovely and thriving in the middle a such a hectic place.

The next day I felt like my body had been put through the wringer so I ended up rescheduling my acupuncture appointment for the following week. Then I put on an icy hot patch and accompanied Cory to numerous apartments (he even liked two enough to put applications in for them!). He is hoping to move out by the end of the month. I am excited for him (this will be the first time he has been able to afford living somewhere without a roommate) and so so so proud of him for all the hard work he has been doing (last month he was the 11th most successful adviser (there are 200 of them) in the PDX district and was named "Most Inspirational"). Also, I'm excited to decorate his new place, hehe.

I'm worn out and have been battling a migraine the last two days. I'm sure it's from this hectic week. I'm hoping to get together with a few friends this coming week and get my mind off of everything that has been going on. I also have a meeting with Concordia this Saturday to figure out some things concerning obtaining my teaching certificate. Don't you wish that there was a pause button for life so you could have time to recuperate and reenergize? *Sigh,* me too.

Here's to hoping we all get time to breath this week...

I Shall Not Live in Vain...

2010-04-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain.
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

~ Emily Dickinson

I don't always believe in myself. I don't always believe I can get out of bed and tackle another day. I don't always believe that I can fight this disease.

But I do always believe in the strength and power that comes from supporting one another.

When I decided to start writing about my experience I was amazed at how many people (most of which were complete strangers) emailed me and were kind enough and brave enough to share their stories of triumph and struggle while living life with a chronic disease. It was a blessing to know that I was not alone in my pain. I also would receive emails from people who were loved ones of someone who battled Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn’s Disease and they would thank me for allowing them to better understand what their loved one was going through. This kind of support wasn't something I expected... it was something that I hoped for and prayed for but never really knew if I would have.

After Cory and I had been dating awhile, he shared the story about his much loved cousin Summer. Summer was born and raised in Scotland. After her parents divorced, and after seeing many doctors for all sorts of symptoms that she could not connect, they finally discovered she had Crohn's disease. In her late teen years she moved from Scotland back to the U.S. with her mother here, to Portland, Oregon to be near family and for medical treatment. She struggled with her battle with Crohn's till her mid twenties, where she had endured surgeries, pills, drug addition, hospital stays, battles with depression and mental illness, failed and newly struck relationships, and even having to live with a colostomy bag strapped to her side. She was living with her boy friend of a few years in an apartment in the Beaverton area where she had finally taken enough of the fight and decided to take her own life by ingesting a bottle of aspirin. She died shortly after being taken to the nearest hospital from kidney and liver failure.

Although I know I could never understand the exact pain and sorrow that she personally experienced, I understand how hard it is to live when you feel like even your own body is against you. I know what it feels like to live in constant pain and never being able to see an end to it. I know how it feels to be disappointed and feeling like you can't live your life the way you want to. I wish I could have met Summer. I wish we could have confided in one another and helped each other through the dark days.

Right now I am going through a rough time when it comes to the story of living my life with UC. I was going through horrible prednisone withdrawal and had to go back on a couple milligrams in order to ease my body even more into no longer being dependent on it. Sadly, I am in flare up right now and have even been bleeding a bit after months and months of being mostly symptom free. It's heartbreaking to be back in a place like this: I'm scared that my symptoms are just going to get worse and worse and that I am going to go back to being in such severe pain that I can't even leave my house. I hate being on medication and my doctor and I agree that pills are not a long term solution to beating this disease. I am having a sigmoidoscopy (yay, I know) on Thursday to see where my disease is progressing and then hopefully, on Friday, I will be feeling okay enough to go try acupuncture for the first time. I think it could be a great thing for me. Stress is a big factor for me when it comes to my flare ups. I also thought that acupuncture could be helpful in helping me handle my migraines, back pain, and joint stiffness. I'm feeling exhausted, but hopeful: I'm willing to keep fighting.

Please feel free to share your story with me and with all the other battlers here. If you don't feel comfortable sharing it here publicly, you can always email me at jade_sheldon@yahoo.com. I would love to encourage you to stay strong and support you and have you do the same for me, for we are in this battle together.

Here is to healthier days.

I Heart Faces {Dramatic B&W}

2010-03-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

This week at "I Heart Faces," they are looking for B&W photos that are dramatic, sensational and moody in the way they are presented. They don't just want a typical portrait photo that has been converted to B&W (portraits are allowed, but they need to come across as extremely dramatic.) Your entry must catch their eye as being dramatic or moody for it to be passed along to the Guest Photographer Judge (this week it is Tara Whitney, whose images just floor me! They are so full of life and light) as a top entry for them to choose from.

This is a field near my home that Cory and I are always driving past. We couldn't resist the beautiful mist and fog on this particular morning and had to stop and set up the tripod for a few pictures... This shot is one of many that we took, just look here and here if you would like to see some of the others.

It has been a hard week for me, but whenever I see these photos of Cory and I, they make me smile and I am reminded that all is as it should be (and the things that aren't, can be fixed).

Wishing you a sensational, stress-free, problem-solving week,

I Heart Faces {Focusing on Angles}

2010-03-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

“Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.”

- Samuel Ullman

For this week's photo challenge at "I Heart Faces," the focus is on unusual angles. Try standing higher than your subject, lay on the ground, move to the side, tilt your camera while you are shooting...do what you need to do to give your photo a uniqueness of it's own.

The guest photographer judge this week is photographer and "I Heart Faces" contributor and tutorial maker, Brad Barton.

Not only is a photograph more interesting when shot at a unique angle, but LIFE is more interesting when you view it and live it in a different way. I know that when I was diagnosed with UC, I had to change a lot about how I lived and viewed my life. It was necessary to change my view of what it meant to have a chronic condition: instead of feeling as if it was a death sentence and something that I would always suffer from, I had to see it as something that would make me a stronger person who wouldn't suffer, but would fight. UC was something that can (and does) enhance my life, not detract from my life. I am more sympathetic, creative, thoughtful, health conscious, and so much more.

Here's hoping you look at your life a bit differently,

I Heart Faces {Bundled Up}

2010-03-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

"The future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow. Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show."

~Author Unknown

I Heart Faces mission is to capture faces and their various emotions. Each week, people from across the world have the opportunity to enter their favorite face photos into a themed photo challenge. A guest judge will choose ten of their favorite photos that will then be displayed on the I Heart Faces home page. This week, the talented and inspirational Tracey Clark (founder of Shutter Sisters) is the Guest Photographer Judge.

In this week's challenge, they are looking for images that are all about snow, the cold, and being bundled up. As the years go by, we seem to be having harsher and harsher winters here in Oregon. This year was definitely not as bad as last year was (we had some HORRIBLE storms last year that left us trapped inside and having to cancel our regular Christmas festivities). We had a couple snow filled days and of course Cory and I took the time out to trample in it and take a few photos.

As much as I love winter, snow, the cold and getting all bundled up in coats, hats, scarfs, and mittens, I am glad to see it go and be replaced with sunshine, sandals, and delicate dresses...

One Year (and two days) Old

2010-03-09T23:06:00.000-08:00

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

~ Irish Blessing

Last night I received a text from Cory. He wrote,"Two days ago was the anniversary of Intestine Goddess. Did you know that?" I texted back,"No way! Holy crap!" No pun intended. I hurriedly turned on my computer, signed onto my blog and clicked on my first entry. I couldn't believe it. Intestine Goddess turned a year old two days ago. I hadn't read that entry since I wrote it so I took a moment to go over each and every word.

I started to cry.

You know when something is really important to you but you don't realize how important until someone reminds you?

I was reminded today about how far I have come since starting this blog (both in battleing UC and when it comes to life in general).

I was reminded today how much writing these words and taking these pictures has helped me get through my pain.

I was reminded today about how many wonderful people I have met who have touched my heart through this blog.

I was reminded today that I am proud of myself and I have others that are proud of me too.

I was reminded that I still love Food Network and Darlene's poem and that Claude still keeps me company in the bathroom (he loves to sleep by the warm furnace in there).

I was reminded how I still love my tattoo even though I got it on a whim with my best friend when we turned 18 behind each of our moms' and dads' backs only to be found out about a year later on Christmas morning when reaching down for gifts under the Christmas tree (Yeah... Dad wasn't too happy). This cross represents what my heritage and what symbols mean to me (as an artist, symbols are very important), that I am a big believer in hope, that I have faith that there is a plan in this world for all of us and that there is something out there bigger than this world (whatever that may be), and that there are deeper meanings than what just lays on the surface and is seen by the naked eye.

I was reminded that I battle Ulcerative Colitis, not suffer from it.

I was reminded how, for lack of a better term, ballsy I was to start this blog.

I was reminded today that I still have a lot to say.

I am completely off Prednisone right now. I was on it for over a year and have been completely off of it for about 4 days. Now, for those of you who have every been on Prednisone, you know how great of an accomplishment that is. It hasn't been easy by any means: I am going through many of the symptoms of withdrawal that one goes through when coming off this steroid: headache, severe fatigue (to which my gastroentorologist warned me. His words were,"You may be dragging ass... but don't worry... it's normal (Have I mentioned how much I love him? Seriously, he is hilarious and is an angel)), weakness, body aches, dry skin, abdominal pain, and weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to be off of it, but the body takes time to adjust and my body is definitely taking its time.

So I am currently taking Lialda and Mercaptopurine specifically for my UC, along with various vitamins (such as fish oils).

About a week ago my mom knocked on my door and told me that my aunt had called her to tell her that my cousin just found out that she too had Ulcerative Colitis. She had called her mom crying, totally bewildered and not knowing how to move forward. She had said that she couldn't believe she had this at such a young age (she is just a few years older than me). She explained to her that she was having trouble coping with the fact that she would have this incurable disease for the rest of her life. I remember being that girl. I remember fearing the same things. I remember feeling lost. I remember feeling like I had been punished and UC was my death sentence (a long, drawn out death sentence). I grew up with this cousin of mine. We played "Pretty, Pretty Princess," combed our Barbies hair, watched my other cousins (her brothers) play baseball... we did everything together growing up (well, until my brother was born and my mother decided quite her job and stay home to raise us). My aunt called me and asked a bunch of questions about Lialda and the Lialda Card and health insurance and I told her that I was definitely the right person to consult... :)

A few days later I emailed my cousin and told her to call me if she ever needed someone to talk to... someone to confide in. I remember feeling so alone when I was first diagnosed... I didn't want her to have to feel that way. I also sent her the link to this blog. My goal when I first started writing this blog was to create something that would be a source of comfort, strength, and knowledge for those battling (or are loved ones of those who are battling) similar chronic conditions. It was also meant to be a way for me to work through my pain and document my journey.

I am happy to say that I think I have accomplished all of these things and more.

Thank you everyone for supporting me. Thank you for warmly accepting me. Thank you for sharing your own personal stories with me. Thank you for following me on this journey... I hope you continue to do so...

Here's to a healthy, happy year ahead!

I Heart Faces {Hands}

2010-02-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

"They left me with your shadow, saying things like, "Life is not fair," and I believed them for a long time. But today, I remembered the way you laughed and the heat of your hand in mine and I knew that life is more fair than we can ever imagine if we are there to live it."

~ Story People

This week, at "I Heart Faces," the focus is off the face and is on hands. The guest judge of the week is Becky Earl, whose photos of family and friends are truly breathtaking and full of emotion (whether it be in the joy and laughter between a father and daughter, or in the intense stare of a child).

In this week's challenge, they want us to show off those teeny-tiny baby hands, chubby toddler hands, the soothing hands of a mama and the wise hands of a grandfather. There are so many possibilities and there is so much beauty to bee seen in the hands.

I have always had a strong connection with hands, well, I guess we all do. But for me, I realized at an early age how blessed I was for the hands I had. With them I was able to draw and discover my true passion for art. I was able to play songs on the piano. I was able to learn how to french braid my own hair.

The years have passed and I have learned to do even more things with my hands. I still use them to create drawings but my skills and technique have improved and I am now able to creat photos, paintings, and etchings too. I use them to whip up egg whites and to bake cupcakes. I use them to delicately apply my makeup. I use them to type up my college essays. I use them to write letters to dear friends. I use them to touch the scruff on the face of my sweetheart and I interlace my fingers between his to let him know how much I truly love and adore him.

I Heart Faces {Kisses}

2010-02-08T16:58:00.000-08:00

“A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.”

~ Author Unknown

I Heart Faces mission is to capture faces and their various emotions. Each week, people from across the world have the opportunity to enter their favorite face photos into a themed photo challenge. A “Guest Photographer Judge” will choose ten of their favorite photos that will then be displayed on the home page.

In this week's challenge, they are looking for images that involve kissing. It can be at a wedding, at a celebration, between two kiddos, during an engagement shoot, or even a person and a pet. The possibilities are endless really!

If this doesn't get you in the mood to celebrate Valentine's Day, I just don't know what will :)

I feel so blessed to be celebrating yet another Valentine's Day with my sweetie... here's to many more years of kisses...

In the Time of Sorrow...

2010-01-27T22:23:00.000-08:00

In the time of sorrow...

May you see the light on the path ahead
When the road you walk is dark.
May you always hear,
Even in your hour of sorrow,
The gentle singing of the lark.
When times are hard may hardness
Never turn your heart to stone,
May you always remember
when the shadows fall—
You do not walk alone.

~ Irish Blessing

I think we all experience those "dark days." You know the ones I'm talking about: those days where you feel depressed... defeated... exhausted... alone. Your heart aches, your eyes swell, and your cheeks become stained with tears. All you seem to be able to feel is pain and it is impossible to imagine that you'll ever be able to make it through.

I had one of those "dark days" today. I just felt completely fed up. Fed up with hurting. Fed up with the stomach pain... joint aches... migraines... depression. Fed up with feeling limited. Fed up with feeling sorry for myself. Fed up with writing. Fed up with my art. Fed up with worrying. Fed up with communicating. Fed up with imagining what life would be like if I didn't have UC (cause, you know, life would be PERFECT if I just didn't have UC *haha, rolls eyes*). COMPLETELY... FED.. UP.

But then I finally decide to push aside the anger, wipe away the tears and let down the walls. I allow Cory to hold me and kiss me... and inevitably cry again with me. But this time the tears are different... I am not alone in my pain... I am reminded that I have someone to share my pain and sorrow with. Now, of course I don't want Cory to have to feel any pain at all... I don't want anyone to have to feel pain... but that isn't life, is it? Life is full of pain... but life is also full of love and joy and beauty.

We are never alone: we can find comfort and healing in our significant others... best friends... siblings... religions... communities... fellow UC sufferers... fellow bloggers...

I have made it through this "dark day"... I know that there are more to come... but I also have hope that I will make it through those days... and just by chance I lose that hope, I know I have people surrounding me that will help give me the strength and will to carry on and heal what ails me.

I Heart Faces {Texture}

2010-01-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

I Heart Faces mission is to capture faces and their various emotions. Each week, people from across the world have the opportunity to enter their favorite face photos into a themed photo challenge. A “Guest Photographer Judge” will choose ten of their favorite photos that will then be displayed the home page.

In this weeks challenge they are looking for images that incorporate texture in an interesting and beautiful way (and that strongly incorporate the human face, of course).

For those of you who follow my blog, you know that photography has been an outlet for me in coping with my Ulcerative Colitis. It has allowed me to express my emotions and remain true to who I am not only as an artist, but as a UC sufferer.

This photo is entitled "Pain is Something to Carry" and is based on the following words by Jim Morrison:

"People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

I believe these words are EXTREMELY important to live by, especially when suffering from a chronic condition. The pain that you go through is part of who you are: it isn't something to be ashamed of, it is something to be proud of because you had the strength to make it through.

Adieu 2009... Welcome 2010...

2010-01-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

"The Bitterness of Studying is Better than the Bitterness of Ignorance."

- Author Unknown

Well, this is my first post of the New Year. I don’t think that anyone can help but feel that the beginning of a new year marks a fresh start… a clean slate… a blank canvas… you catch my drift.

I bid adieu to 2009 and welcome 2010 with open arms. As with all years, I’m sure this one will be filled with love, happiness, grief, ease, struggle, laughter, tears, victories, disappointments, realizations, excitement, boredom, vigor, weakness, momentum, tiredness… change.

I am not one to make New Year’s Resolutions. If I want to change something, I do it right then and there: I don’t need the year to change just so I will. I do have some changes I want to make, but it isn’t because of the changing of the year, it is because I strive daily to be a better person and to better the quality of my life.

Of course I have my days where I believe all is doomed and I hate everyone (including myself) and everything and all I want to do is lay in my bed, and hide under the covers while sobbing and spooning ice cream into my face.

But eventually I get to the bottom of the carton… my clothes become musty, and my hair has more wings than a flock of hungry seagulls on a sunny day at the seashore. I have to… no, I want to, no… I WILL rise up and be me again.

I will put on my makeup and style my hair.
I will hug Cory.
I will answer emails.
I will study for my classes.
I will communicate.
I will take photos.
I will draw.
I will smile.
I will go running.
I will handle my stress better.
I will fight my condition and not remain ignorant to it.
I will make my dreams come true.

I will do all of these things and so much more over this next year and for the rest of my life.

A lot has happened since my last post.

We celebrated Cory’s birthday. We also got to have our annual White Elephant/Secret Santa with my lovely ladies.

I received the lovely photos that were taken of me for Colette Patterns, a lovely company based here in Portland.

My family and I had a wonderful Christmas (last Christmas was kind of awful due to extreme weather conditions keeping everyone apart)… I would even go as far as saying it was one of the best I have ever had. Cory and I got our first tree together and had a special day apart from everyone else to just exchange gifts with one another, watch movies, and bake. We got to spend the morning of Christmas Eve over at Cory's family's house were we had a HUGE and delicious breakfast and then spent Christmas Eve over at my dad's side of the family where we had our traditional Chinese takeout dinner. Christmas morning was spent opening gifts with my mom, dad and brother and then off to my mom's side of the family for our traditional Christmas brunch.

My Great Uncle Neil wanted to surprise my Great Aunty Cay (Fun fact, she designed the Nike Swoosh!) for Christmas with a special gift and asked me to be in on the surprise. He has tried to surprise her for years and his efforts have always failed. After a lot of back and forth phone calls (I couldn't call him, he could only call me because he didn't want my aunt answering the phone and accidentally finding out), we presented her with a drawing of mine in front of the entire family on Christmas morning. She cried and was completely surprised, so I would say it was extremely successful. They collect art and feature artwork from female members of the family in their dining room. She was thrilled to have a piece of mine to add to their special collection.

We didn’t have a white Christmas but we did have some snow a few days after. The little flurries we had in the morning turned into big flurries, which turned into 8 hours of constant snow fall. It was fun and a bit of a pain (ruined all the plans I had set up for that day), but melted the very next day.

In order to get into the GTEP Program at PSU, you have to get passing scores on the CBEST Exam and on the Praxis II Tests (in your subject matter). I received some great news over the holiday… I passed each section with flying colors!! You needed a total score of 123 and I achieved a 154. I am not the best test taker, so you can’t even begin to imagine how thrilled I was… how thrilled I still am!

Now, I just took the Praxis II Tests this past Saturday (hence the image for this post). It was not easy and I will not receive my scores for a month. It pretty much went how I thought it would though: the multiple choice questions (120 questions and 2hrs to answer them) concerning art making were a piece of cake for me… the questions concerning elements of art history (past to present day) were tricky for me and required some outright guessing… and the essays were not too difficult to answer for me, there just wasn’t enough time to answer them to the full extent that I wanted.

Here is an example of an essay question:

Audrey Flack’s Queen is an example of Photorealism, an art movement of the 1970’s that grew out of a revival of interest in realism. Write a critique of this work in which you discuss the following:

(PART A) What are the primary concerns and techniques of Photorealism as represented by Queen?
(PART B) How does Flack’s treatment of realism compare with the treatment of realism in earlier periods, for example Dutch Realism or nineteenth-century Realism?
(PART C) How does the work challenge the viewer’s perception of reality and art? Why is it challenging? What questions does the work cause the viewer to ask?

Yeah, that is ONE essay question. I had an hour to answer three of these things and all of my questions had two images each (a totally of 6 images) to refer to.

Oh well, glad to have it done and hopefully I will pass and will never have to take it again.

I’ve started school again. I’m taking “Foundations of Education” and “Psy 215: Human Development (from Womb to Tomb). Now, I have been attending an art school for the past four years (I graduated with my BFA in May of 2009 and have been out of school since then and came to the realization I would need a teaching certificate and another degree if I ever wanted a job in the field that I want to be in), so it is strange to get back in the habit of reading only traditional text and writing only traditional papers. Don’t get me wrong, art college is the same as any other college: you have to take literature, math, and science courses. But most of these courses are aimed at an artists’ way of thinking and most of these classes I took my freshmen and sophomore year. I’m having a good time though.

I had a couple flare-ups here and there over the past month. I’m guessing it was mostly stress related (from the holidays and test taking and such). I am almost completely off prednisone, which makes me so very happy… a tiny bit scared… but mostly just happy. I am still taking Lialda and Mercaptopurine for my UC symptoms and Lamotrigine for my depression and anxiety. I got some blood-work done and everything looks good. It has been a lot of trial and error to get to this point, but I believe these medications are working and I am at a good place. I have been experiencing some indigestion that is worrying me a bit, but hopefully that will be resolved shortly.

I’ve also started taking fish oil to help with the joint pain I experience from my ulcerative colitis. I think it is actually helping. I’m also back to taking Calcium and vitamin D supplements.

Cory and I got Costco cards… Isn’t that place just magical? Seriously, where else can you buy a three pack of mascaras, a giant jar of green olives, prawns the size of my hand, and tires for your car? The biggest Costco resides here in Oregon, don’t you know, and Cory lives about 5 minutes away from it.

I renewed my illustration website for another year. I’ve changed the look of it a bit and am currently working on photographing some of my latest work and getting it put up on there.

I’ve also changed the look of this blog (as you can see). For the time being, I’m really liking it.

We have found out that Cory’s roommate will not be renewing the lease at their current place and thus Cory will be moving into his own place this coming May. I am very excited for him and he is thrilled (he has been wanting to get out of his current place for awhile and finally has a great job where he can afford to live on his own).

A photo of Cory and I that we took is being featured at this sweet, heartwarming blog, Best Kisses. We were also featured here awhile back.

Another photo of Cory and I that we took is being featured on Citrus Hearts, an incredibly lovely blog that blows me away.

My birthday is next month (I will be turning 23) and so is Valentine's Day and I am looking forward to celebrating both!

It's going to be a busy year... but I think I'm ready to tackle it.

Until next time, here is to much happiness and good health!

Intense Complexities... Intense Simplicities...

2009-11-30T12:23:00.000-08:00

“Out of intense complexities intense simplicities emerge.”

- Winston Churchill

My extremely talented and dear friend Terry is taking a class called The Figure. It's all figure drawing, but their final is to create an article of clothing made from some sort of unconventional material (Project Runwayesque if you will). He created this skirt and a hat out of over 350 coffee filters which he hand painted with watercolor.

He asked if I would be his model for it... how could I refuse? Cory and I went out for a photo shoot yesterday. It was the first time the sun has been out in a LOOOONG while. It was so cold though that I thought my ears and fingers were going to fall off :(

I think it was well worth it though because we got some amazing shots.

Intense: Possessing or displaying a distinctive feature to an extreme degree; Strained; Tightly drawn; Kept on the stretch; Strict.

Complexities: A conceptual whole made up of complicated and related parts; Characterized by a very complicated or involved arrangement; So complicated or intricate as to be hard to understand or deal with.

Simplicities: The state, quality, or instance of things being easy; Freedom from complexity and intricacy.

When you are diagnosed with a chronic disease such as UC, life gets intensely complicated fast. I know when I was first diagnosed I felt extremely overwhelmed. How was I going to manage my pain? How was I going to be able to handle the struggles of everyday life with this disease? How was I going to take care of all of this financially?

When life gets too complicated and complex, you are reminded of what is truly important: The simple joys of life. You soon learn that as a part of your recovery, you have to be able to find this joy and hold on tight to it: It's in seeing the green leaves turn to shades of red and gold in Autumn. It's in the laughter of an inside joke you share with your partner. It's in spending an entire day in your pajamas reading magazines and watching movies. It's in wearing a skirt and hat that your beloved friend made out of coffee filters.

The holiday season is known for bringing stress: fighting crowds in order to find the perfect gifts, slaving in the kitchen to bake holiday goodies for the numerous holiday parties and family get-togethers, battling the gloomy winter weather. Remember to take a step back from the stress and find the joy in the simple moments of this winter: placing ornaments on the tree, frosting snowman shaped cookies, wearing your favorite hat and scarf that had been packed away and watching the smiles that emerge as people open their gifts.

Happy Holidays everyone and here is to a wonderful New Year.

Unsolved in Your Heart

2009-11-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."

- Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke

I face this problem daily. I exhaust myself trying to find the right answers... trying to "fix" everything. I worry about making the wrong choices and prolonging my pain and anxiety. When there are so many paths to take it seems impossible to wholeheartedly believe that the path you choose is the best one.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and I am having to go through these struggles in order to solve the things that remain unresolved in my heart. I pray for patience, for strength, and for perseverance. I pray that I am making the right choices for my health... for my life.

When dealing with an incurable disease like UC, it's hard to know how to best heal the symptoms and go into remission. Is drug therapy a safe option? Can I ever live a life free from drugs? Are my medications causing side effects? What foods should I avoid? Is there a diet I should follow?

I am currently taking Lialda, Prednisone, and Mercaptopurine for my UC symptoms. I lowered my dose of prednisone and started experiencing sharp pain in my left side and in my lower back so I have since gone back up to what I was originally taking.

I am also taking Lamotrigine for my depression and anxiety. I believe it is helping. I used to cry everyday and started avoiding going out and since taking lamotrigine, I haven't felt so overwhelmed by everything life has been throwing at me. Hopefully this will turn out to be the right path.

I am not completely comfortable with the fact that I take so many pills. I often wonder if I am helping my colitis but causing other problems for my body.

I've started to look further into diet options and am considering trying the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD).

I just want to do what is best for me and for my body. I want to go into remission and I want to do it safely.

The Universe has the Answers

2009-10-30T09:57:00.001-07:00

"I never paint dreams or nightmares. I paint my own reality."

- Frida Kahlo

First off, I have to say thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, to everyone who reads my words, sends me emails, comments on my posts, and follows my Flickr and website. Your words, thoughts, and prayers help renew my hope, give me strength and remind me that I am not alone in this fight. We all get overwhelmed at times and it is such a blessing to be reminded that things can change for the better.

Art has always been an outlet for me. I have been drawing ever since I can remember. Growing up, there was always a pencil in one hand and a pad of paper in the other. I would seek out my parents, constantly asking them,"What should I draw now!?" In the seventh grade I was fortunate enough to meet a teacher that saw something special in me and my artwork. She encouraged me to enter competitions and consider going to art school someday. Until that point, I never even thought that I could make something I loved doing so much my career.

Mostly I see my art as a blessing, but sometimes, when life seems too complicated, it can feel like a curse. Making a living as an artist isn't an easy path to take. The term "starving artist" often comes to mind. I am an artist and that is something that can't be changed. I will never be happy working in an office with my eyes glued to a computer all day. I will never be happy pushing people to sign up for credit cards and spend more money than they have. I have to create in order to be happy and in order to be true to myself. I am fortunate enough to have people in my life who support me and will do all that is possible to help make my dreams a reality.

The past few days I have had a pretty immense migraine. My eyes are even swollen. Migraines are exhausting: all I want to do is sleep but the pain is so sharp I can't. It's feeling a bit better today... hopefully it will only continue to get better and better... Maybe it will even vanish!

I was supposed to see a specialist on Tuesday. They even confirmed my appointment the day before, but a few hours after calling me, they called again only to report that the doctor's house had caught fire and he would have to reschedule. Um... WHAT!? Maybe I am a curse to all my doctors. I was then referred to see Maja Bjur, a nurse practitioner specializing in psychiatry and who works at finding the right doctors for people who have been "tossed around" when it comes to solving their medical issues.

I walked into her office and saw Georgia O'Keefe paintings adorning her wall. I took it as a good omen.

We talked about everything including the fact that I have been feeling as though I am not strong enough to survive all this. I have been battling for almost two years now and just want to live life again. She said something that really hit me: "The universe has the answers and you have been brave enough and strong enough to seek them out. Years from now you will look back on this time and marvel at your strength and perseverance."

I am ready to have those answers. I am ready to be healthy. I am ready to love living. I am ready to pursue my dreams and stop letting the fear of failing overwhelm me. I am ready to make a living doing what I love to do.

Use the Pain as Fuel

2009-10-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

- August Wilson

Ulcerative Colitis has changed my life. It has brought such pain and loss. I wish that I could just live ever day without it, but it is a part of me that can't and won't be ignored.

I first got sick a little over a year ago. Ever since, I have felt as though I have stood still but the world has kept going. I have been left behind. Everyone else has grown and matured and accomplished goals and I have ruined everything in my life.

The pain and sadness has so consumed me that I can barely get out of bed. I spend my days sobbing, hoping for an end. It's exhausting and all I want to do is sleep but my mind is always racing so sleep evades me. When I do manage to nod off I have horrible nightmares.

I try so hard to concur the bad feelings: I ignore it... I write about them... I scream... I cry... I start projects... I take on the problems of others... I make art... I read. None of it matters though because in the end I feel no different. This anxiety and depression is real. There is no way of wishing it away or looking at the world more positively. I need help. I want help. I want my life back. I want to be happy.

I have spent my entire life pressuring myself to be perfect. I had to be smart and know everything in order to achieve the best grades. I had to be beautiful, have every hair in place and dress to the nines. I had to be independent and spend every minute working and challenging myself and doing everything people ordered me to do. I had to keep all my feelings inside because weakness wasn't tolerated.

I believe a lifetime of this stress and pressure has finally caught up with me. My body can't take it anymore. My soul can't take it anymore.

Everyone keeps telling me to listen to my heart but I feel if I do I will be letting them all down. It's tough to feel so lost.

Currently I am taking Lialda, Prednisone, and Mercaptopurine. My stomach has felt much better and the bleeding has stopped. My health insurance is changing (I will be turning 23 and will no longer be on my parents insurance) and I hope and pray with all my heart that I'm able to remain on the same plan so I can still see my doctor. My dad believes it is the medication that is making me so "emotional" and I should just stop taking it. He is ignorant about it so I must forgive him for not understanding.

I have an appointment on Tuesday with a counselor at the hospital to find a solution to my depression and anxiety. I have tried to beat it on my own, but it just isn't happening. I can't waste anymore of my life feeling this way.

I was hired as an admissions advisor for an online college. I went through the training. I had to call it quits. I jumped into it while still feeling this way. I have spent a year being afraid to leave my house becasue I needed to be near a bathroom. I spent a year hiding from people because I felt ashamed. It's no wonder I felt overwhelmed at being hired on full time surrounded by people and expectations. The timing was all wrong. I wanted it to be the answer. I still wish I felt as though I could have done it. It might have fixed some of my financial worries sooner, but it never would have fixed my true issues. I worry I will never be hired for anything ever again. I worry my life will just be a series of dead-end, horribly paid jobs. I want a career: I want art to be a part of it.

On Wednesday I am going to a meeting about the GTEP Program at PSU. I'm starting to take the steps neccessary to get my teaching certificate. I have registered for the CBEST Exam: I'm scared. I don't know if I can pass it or any of the other tests I need in order to get into the program. Tests have never been my strong point. I am so very tired of feeling so dumb.

Also on Wednesday I will be going to PNCA to photograph some paintings and a drawing I have been working on. The drawing is for the Society of Illustrators Competition. I don't know if I should be spending the money on it right now, but it is my dream so I guess I just have to go for it.

Saturday is Halloween. I usually adore dressing up, but things have been so hard that I haven't had the time to even think about having Halloween fun. It hurts my heart thinking a may have to give it up this year. There are too many other more important things to deal with.

Every second of every minute of ever day has been a struggle. I hope I am finally on the road to answers and solutions...

The Thing With Feathers...

2009-09-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

“Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all.”

Emily Dickinson

I have been really thinking about what it means to have "hope." It's a simple, four letter word that can change your whole life. Hope that you'll be able to finish that book you started reading. Hope that those shoes you've been dying to own will finally go on sale. Hope that you are taking the right medications. Hope in a cause. Hope in a fellow human being. Hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Hope that you are doing the right thing. Hope that you are making a difference. Hope that our desires will be fulfilled. Hope in what cannot be seen.

I'd love to be able to say that I have all the hope in the world. It's hard to have it though when you feel as though you are suffering and that no matter how hard you battle nothing will ever get any better. That's what the depression of having a chronic illness can do to you. It can take away your hope if you let it.

It has been awhile since I've discussed my battle with this thing we call "Ulcerative Colitis." I've mainly been quite due to the fact that I have been fairly miserable: lots of pain (both physical and emotional). Life has just been exceptionally hard as of late and I haven't had much new news to report when it comes to my condition. My mind has been filled with so many other stresses and worries that the idea of taking time out to write seemed BEYOND insane (a choice I am now realizing was extremely foolish). Writing can be a saving grace... remember!?

So here I am... I was never really gone... I was just distracted by all the noise of life. I think it is time to take a step back, breath, and grab a hold again of all I hold dear.

I believe writing, reading, and researching about this disease is extremely important and I bet that others who suffer (or are close to those who suffer) feel the same. Sharing our stories is what keeps us afloat... It keeps us hopeful that we can live normal lives. Hiding and concealing the pain just makes life that much more unbearable.

I went in and say by gastroenterologist (Dr. Grunkenmier) last week. The pain in my left side and lower back was becoming torterous again and the bleeding had come back. I had been afraid to go back to the doctor because I didn't want to hear the news that I would have to go back on prednisone. Well... that is the news I got. HOWEVER, he also wanted me to start taking an immunosuppressant (a drug that lowers the body's normal immune response).

I was hesitant at first to start taking a new medication. It's hard to be put on drugs and taken off drugs. It's hard to know if you are doing the best things for your body. I guess this is a perfect example of having to have hope. Grunkenmier is a wonderful man. He sat down in front of me and truly talked with me. He didn't just poke at my stomach, write me a prescription, and send me out the door. I spoke and he listened. I discussed my fears and he vowed to help me overcome them. I had a hard time not getting all choked up to be quite honest (especially when he said I shouldn't be ashamed of the depression and anger I had been feeling due to the fact that having a chronic illness such as this can be devastating). It felt good to be validated and it felt good to have a new plan of action.

I am now back on 40 milligrams of Prednisone (it does affect my mood but it also does stop some of the pain and bleeding. I also am still taking 4 tablets of Lialda daily. And now I am taking Mercaptopurine. I have to go back later this week for some blood tests to make sure it isn't affecting my blood and liver negatively. I'm scared. I want this to be the answer for me.

I am feeling better... I only hope it lasts and continues to improve everyday...

Limitations

2009-06-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

"Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly."
-Richard Bach

Last month was one of the most wonderful, horrible, insightful, crazy, epic months of my whole entire life. I presented my Thesis and graduated from college with a Bachelors Degree in Fine Arts.

There were times when it seemed as if I couldn't even fit breathing into my schedule. There were times I just wanted the board to be blank so I could stay in bed and rest and not feel guilty about it.
But May is over and I survived and I accomplished even more than I thought was possible.

I've been thinking a lot about the word "Limitation."

Limitation: restriction, curb, restraint, control, check; bar, barrier, block, deterrent, flaw, defect, failing, shortcoming, weak point, deficiency, failure, frailty, weakness, foible...

There have been so many times within the past few months that I have looked at myself and have tried to come to terms with my weaknesses: to realize the potential that I have and focus on what I am able to achieve instead of what I'm not. I am not saying that we cannot rise above the things that seem to limit us, I am only saying that we have to do it in a way where we can remain healthy and happy instead of sick and miserable.

My ulcerative colitis does limit me: I have had to change my lifestyle in order to be able continue living. Stress must be avoided at all costs for stress causes me to go into flare up. I must keep up with my medications and realize that although they have some side effects I would be much worse off if I didn't take them. I must stay on a schedule and get the proper amount of sleep. I need to allow others help into my life: I have always been unhealthily independent and self reliant.

My physical limitations don't have to stop me from achieving my dreams... I just may need to find alternative methods to achieve them.

Bruises

2009-04-03T14:26:00.000-07:00

My veins truly aren't made for needles.. The nurses always cringe and remark on how small my veins are. It's not surprising if the vein ends up collapsing on the first try and we end up having to gouge me again. The worst part is I always get immense bruises afterwords... I wince just thinking about how many people see me and assume, "That poor, pale drug addict." :(

Trust me, if I had a choice in all this, I would never let a needle within 15 feet of me...

When dealing with a disease such as Ulcerative Colitis, one of the most common forms of treatment is Prednisone. Prednisone is particularly effective as an Immunosuppressant and affects virtually all of the immune system. It can, therefore, be used as treatment for Autoimmune Diseases, Inflammatory Diseases (severe Asthma, severe Allergies, Angioedema episodes, severe Poison Ivy, Ulcerative Colitis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Bell's Palsy, Crohn's disease, Pemphigus, Uveitis and various kidney diseases including Nephrotic syndrome, Mononucleosis and to prevent and treat rejection in organ transplants. Prednisone has also been used in the treatment of Migraine Headaches, Cluster Headaches and for Aphthous ulcer ("Cankersore") outbreaks.

Steroids may be the most difficult medication to tolerate since there are many side-effects. Increased appetite, weight gain, acne, fluid retention, trembling, mood swings, and difficulty sleeping are common. Other side effects occur in patients who take steroids for long periods of time, particularly if high doses are used. These include diabetes, thinning of the skin, easy bruising, a "cushingoid" appearance (widening of the face and a hump in the back), thinning of the bones, body hair growth, cataracts, high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, avascular necrosis (a serious joint problem), and infections. Because of the risk of these side effects, most patients are tapered off of steroids as soon as possible.

I am currently in flare up and am on a 15 week regiment of 50mg of Prednisone (to be tapered down by 10 mg every two weeks). So let's just say I am covered with bruises, am easily over heated, and a tad moody so you probably wouldn't want to take me out to coffee any time soon... :)

To Whom it Concerns...

2009-03-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

4:18 AM
Pain.
That piercing, nauseating pain.

My eyes shoot open and all I can see before me are the silhouettes of my bedroom furniture as they glow by the light of my clock. My right hand comes up and touches my chest: I find it's dripping with perspiration and that my pajamas are clinging to my body. My left hand comes up to my forehead where I find that my bangs are stuck to my forehead. Great.

4:19 AM
Can't stall anymore. I can feel the pursing of my colon as it tries to spare me from an unfortunate accident. I think my colon feels sorry for causing me such grief over this past year... that's why it always tries to alert me in the middle of the night... it's trying to make up for all the misery it causes. I appreciate it: it's never fun to have to do laundry at the crack of dawn.

I race over to the bathroom, fling open the toilet lid and tear down my pants and relieve myself. No bearing down required: everything just falls out of me. Diarrhea. Some dark blood clots. Not horrible... not great either. I massage my abdomen to try and force out anything else.

Then, even in the dark, I notice my silent stalker glaring at me... my white, cougar of a cat, Claude, is starring up at me from the corner of the bathroom floor. He has a certain affection for the warmth of the bathroom furnace. He comes over to me and rubs his body against my legs as he purrs. Claude then stands up and rests his front paws on my knees and looks at me, begging for his neck to be scratched. I of course comply. It's nice that he still wants to be around me even though I don't even want to be around myself.

I'm not a big fan of company in the bathroom, so I open the bathroom door to ease Claude out. He gleefully sees that my bedroom door is open and jolts across the hallway, tail wagging and all, to it. He has a certain affection for chewing on all things I find precious so he normally is not allowed in my room unsupervised.

I still feel the urge to go, but nothing more will come out of my bowels. No point in trying to force it. It will most likely just cause more pain and more bleeding. I flush and wash my hands. I lift up my shirt and look in the bathroom mirror. I graze my fingers across each one of my ribs. Everyday my reflection is bonier and bonier.

All I want to do is fall back asleep, but the pain permeating from my left side is so severe, I can't even begin to imagine being able to nod off. I kneel down by my bedroom door and call Claude out. He comes over and collapses on top of my left foot and begins to affectionately lick my right. But of course the licking turns into biting. It's just meant to be playful, but it still hurts, so I call him a bitch and get up and close my bedroom door.

I jot a few notes down in one of my journals and turn on the TV. First I check Food Network: Giada De Laurentiis is on. Cory and I refer to her as Ciabatta. Not really in the mood to watch her look all glam while eating glorious food. I flip to Nick at Night. Rosanne is on. It's a very old episode, her television children are young, and she hasn't had any plastic surgery. They are in their kitchen. I have strange fondness for that kitchen: the wallpaper brings a certain sense of nostalgia to me. It reminds me of my Aunt's old kitchen. Growing up, my mom worked so I spent my mornings over at my aunt's house playing with my cousins and eating toasted bagels with cream cheese around the kitchen table.

This is a good episode though. Darlene, the angsty middle child, is being forced to read a poem she wrote in front of the entire school. It goes as follows:

"To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late,
it fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate...
To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this,
and I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this...
To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment,
maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement...
To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with the ball,
but guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall...
To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen,
too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen...
To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel,
when I get blindsided my pain is quite real...
I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns...
I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns..."

I feel like I'm reliving what it feels like to be a 13 yr old girl. Reliving that experience of not knowing my body... but instead of growing boobs, my boobs are shrinking. They always say that when weight comes off of you it comes off the boobs first... guess they are right. It's hard to not know yourself... to feel trapped inside your constantly changing body.

I decide to take half of a Zolpidem Tartrate (an Ambien substitute). Why is it that these pills are the exact same thing but because Ambien is the "name brand" it costs 100 times more? Ridiculous. I need to get out of this country and away from it's healthcare.

I lay down and make sure to put a pillow between my knees. They have become so bony that if I don't put a blanket or pillow between then, they rub against each other and cause mager bruises. I snuggle down deep into my pillows and try my best to ignore my stomach pain. Hopefully I will be able to get a few more hourse of sleep before my stomach inevitably wakes me up again...